Sad News to Share

August 17, 2012 was a day Anthony and I had been waiting for - the day we find out the gender of our precious baby #2. We looked forward to telling our family and friends. Our plan was to have my birthday cake have the hidden surprise inside - blue filling for a boy or pink filling for a girl. After singing "Happy Birthday" we were going to tell everyone our fun secret and cut the cake to reveal baby's gender.

Yesterday morning I saw the start of a rainbow. A beautiful reminder that we would see our rainbow baby later that afternoon. After our miscarriage last August, it was a great feeling.

Wow was it pouring while walking into the doctors office. Anthony was already there waiting for me. We walked right in to them calling us back for our ultrasound. We were beyond elated to discover that our baby is a girl. We saw her wiggling and waving her arms, even heard that wonderful heartbeat. All was well and we both had smiles from ear to ear. "Pink filling it is!", I thought.

Anthony left to get back to work and I waited for my doctors appointment. They called me back again. As I waited for the doctor, I just stared at our ultrasound pictures. Especially the one of her profile and the one labeling " Girl".

The doctor came in and introduced herself. She was one of the two doctors I hadn't met yet in that office so I was glad to meet her. She preceded to tell me that the ultrasound showed that my baby was missing a part of her brain, part of her nervous system that did not ever develop. I tried to understand what she was telling me. I could not believe the news about my baby girl. Then she said we needed a level 2 sonogram for more information and to see if she would even survive. I could not think or see straight.

I called Anthony as I walked out. He said he had this feeling he should have stayed. We went from such a super happy high to shock, disbelief, and overwhelming sadness.

We now await a call for the level 2 sonogram which must be done in hospital by a specialist. Right now our baby girl's future is unknown and our heart aches. I cannot speak about it as it only brings me to tears, so here I sit typing this news because I can't bear to say it over and over to our loved ones.

Holding my buggy boy a bit more today. Telling him "I love you" a bit more today. He is so sweet with his loving hugs and his little voice returning the "I love you". My rock is my husband who cried with me and allows me to continue to cry and offers his hugs, kisses and love to me.